Week one: At first I am skeptical of the five salads a day thing, but I decide to give it a chance. I cry when I throw away all the honey mustard in the fridge. But within days, my persistent cough starts to go away: I am spending so much time chopping salad vegetables I don’t have time to smoke. With the money I save on cigarettes, I buy a majority stake in Snapchat.
Week two: Once I switch to eating only locally-sourced produce, my senses begin to sharpen. Out in the yard, I smell the freshly-mown grass and regain my childlike sense of wonder and innocence. Unfortunately, I can hear the neighbor’s kid from down the street playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder so many times in a row it sounds like he is rehearsing for a Phillip Glass opera.
Week three: I develop superpowers. I realize that, under the yellow sun of Earth, I can do things normal humans cannot: run a mile in two minutes, lift a car bare-handed and log out of Facebook. I also score an eight-letter word in Scrabble!
Week four: I leave my material body behind and become a being of pure consciousness. I am plugged directly into the universe and have access to all frequencies of energy in all times. Bonus: My complexion has totally cleared up and I fit into my jeans from college again.